Prior to coming to Bethel, I thought I was a fairly transparent person. I have since realised how much I wasn't. Rather, I was trying to fit into the idea of what I thought was expected of me - as a person, a friend, and especially a leader. I felt I always had to be strong; that despite tough times I could still keep it together. I felt I always had to have something to say, something to share or teach. But I've learnt that it's ok to show your weaknesses and allow other people to see what's going on in your life. It's ok not to have something to say, but to just be with people and share life with them. Let me try to explain more.
Many times back in Australia, we would joke around with our friends about 'living in community'. I always rejected the idea. Who would really want to live with other people? Sharing everything? Even the messy times? Not me! However, I eventually got to the point where I said to our closest friends that I could POSSIBLY live with them. Little did I know that these conversations were preparation for what we would be doing here in the US.
As we were looking for housing, Dave threw out the idea of having people rent with us to help cover costs. I didn't take to the idea initially due to the size of the houses we were looking at. When we found the house we are now in, I just knew it was perfect - and even perfect for having roomies! (Admittedly, the size of our house in Australia was not good for extra people so I think the idea of living with people in a small house really didn't gel with me!) So it was an easy decision (one that had a lot of grace on it) to have people live with us.
The first person to join our house was Tim. He and his girlfriend (now wife - yay!) were the perfect people to have around. They became amazing friends - and have had to put up with my transition into loving community! They've seen the good, the bad and the ugly - and they still seem to love me. They, and our other roomies, have endured the journey I have been on about being real with people and being ok with people seeing the mess in my life. They've also helped me to learn brave communication (openly talking about concerns etc).
We also have other amazing friends that have journeyed through this with us (me in particular). Our house became the place where people hang out - and we love it. Many of our close friends are Aussies - so good ol' Aussie humour was never left out at any gathering. At times I felt like some of my 'stronger and perhaps not so likable' characteristics became the brunt of many jokes. Ones that have been brought to my attention plenty of times over the years. After a while I had to check - was this really an issue or is it simply a joke (and I was a good bite :) )? I couldn't just hold it in anymore. I had to find out. This is where relationship really started...I began to open up and ask questions. I learnt that yep, at times I over stepped the boundaries, but I was still loved for who I was. I could be around these people, show my weaknesses, and still be accepted and loved. I didn't need to be strong and in control. We have learnt more recently in our Love After Marriage workshop, that when nothing is hidden - no secrets - that's when there can be a deeper relationship. I have taken this concept on as a strength for any relationship. I can share what I'm struggling with and know that I am only going to get support, love and prayer. I can speak to a person directly about a thought or issue I may have with them, and know that that friendship will only deepen and be stronger for it. I know that by me being open and honest, allows them to feel safe and do the same. People can relate to realness! They can relate to struggles. Then, they can celebrate with you when you have success! They become a part of the journey. Every relationship - even people I just meet - I feel like I can offer more of me (the good and the bad) which will help that relationship go deeper, even just a little. Not everyone in my life will be my best friend, and I'm not saying I share my deepest darkest feelings with a person I meet for the first time, however being real just makes people feel more important (at least that's what I think).
I now look for opportunities to go deeper with people. I get a little restless if the relationship feels stagnant. And I am constantly still learning how to make this a part of my life more and more. I just read 'The Shack' (yep, finally!) over the last 24 hours (hubby away on camp!) and it just confirmed everything I'm learning about relationships. I've been wanting a 'love encounter' with Jesus, and I think I'm in the middle of it - but it doesn't look like what I thought it would. Father has been showing me his love through people, through relationships, through life! I haven't been shaking or laughing or doing anything 'abnormal'. But I have felt the love of God through relationship with people. I feel so loved right now. I have amazing friends and roomies (now we have 2 girls - but that's another story) and I am learning not to try and earn God's love by doing what I am supposed to (cause I can't), but rather just capture his love for me by being in constant relationship with him, and learning to know the voice of Holy Spirit.
My only sad point is that I wish our close friends and family were all with us to be more a part of it! Skype (and time differences) make it very hard to catch up regularly and be able to share all that's going on. I now long for greater relationships with these people.
As for me as a leader, well that's still to be tested. I've just been given an opportunity to oversee the worship for the parenting group I've been leading worship at. There's only 3 of us at the moment, but I've got a lot to learn and practice so that's plenty for now! :)
We have the amazing opportunity to sit in a culture where everyone is learning similar things about their identity and relationships, so it does make it a bit easier. There is definitely a grace for that here. However, it's not limited to here. I don't intend to leave behind what I've learnt here either! Life is relationships. With people, and God (three in one). And life is so much better this way!
